i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize