And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
