I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
