I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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