I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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