My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
