so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
