I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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