my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize