Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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