When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
