Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
