I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i wish my penis had a tongue
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
