in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
