i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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