Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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