I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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