I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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