I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
