checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
