Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
