My underwear smells like fireworks.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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