I want to have your abortion
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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