If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
either way he was missing a nipple.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
