did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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