So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
