I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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