From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
