can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
