Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
