Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
