my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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