Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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