How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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