Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
