hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
