All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
