its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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