I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
