Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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