I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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