maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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