I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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