i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
