yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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