He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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