I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
