I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
