I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
