Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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