i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
