If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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