Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
