Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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