When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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