Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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