I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
