While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
