if i can run in heels then i can drive
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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