4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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