Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
