so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
