then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
