i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
